Control!

Does your brain ever feel like your email account looks?  You know what I'm talking about.....so much junk, spam, get a discount for this, read this, this is important!!!!  OMG......DELETE!!  Sometimes I just want to delete things as I go along.  Ok....I don't like this....Delete!  I really don't want to talk to you.....Spam!  Oh my gosh.....that's disgusting.....Delete!   I wish it worked that way somedays!  There are those days when I have a hard time trying to distinguish what's important from what isn't.  Or even getting distracted in the middle of what's important for something I really want to do, but I know it can wait, but I really don't want to do what I'm doing right now so I get side tracked.  Maybe I'm a little ADD....I don't know, but I know I'm not alone.  Recently I've been praying that God will give me Grace for the Moment.  That I will stop before reacting to my desires or wants for the moment and take a step back to look at the bigger picture.  Maybe not always my desires or wants but even my attitude and how I'm feeling about a particular situation.  No I may not always like the situations that I'm in by choice or not, but I can most definitely choose how I react to those situations.  I'm gonna go off track here a little bit to give you an idea of what I'm talking about so bare with me.  I love a good surprise....you know those that you never knew about and had no idea anyone was planning something this special for you.....thinking about how much you were gonna just love it!  I love those!  I also love the little surprises like a special gift or flowers etc...  But oh my goodness, when something so small happens, I'm talking about when you have something planned or this idea in your head of how something is going to be and it really doesn't work out that way (I'm a planner.....Okay really that's just my nice word for Control Freak).  Or maybe something extra or different got thrown into the loop.  Those surprises tend to throw me completely off balance.  Sometimes so much so that I need to take a moment to just stop, renavigate my thoughts before I blow!  I recentely had this happen to me.  I was caught off guard and I got a little short and snappy with someone involved and I realized that I was about to chew some fat!  I had to be short with this person so I could walk away and pray!  I prayed for grace to deal with the situation and prayed for fogiveness that I felt the way I felt and for patience because it wasn't how I planned it to be.  Then when I walked away from laying it all down I felt a sense of relief.  Relief because I knew that God was taking care of it, and relief that I actually was able to control my reaction to the situation at hand.  What control......oh I love that word....control!  But I only love it when I'm in it!  So guess what God has told me to do?  I know for some of you reading this will sound so simple and elementary but just humor me ok!  He said....Kami, you cannot control your circumstances or the people in them.....but you can control you and your reaction to the circumstances and the people in them!!  What....What Lord?  You mean I can have a little bit of control.....I'll take it!!  After thinking about all of this, I really don't want to control anyone or anything....that's just too much for anybody to deal with.  Being the control freak that I am, I'm sure I'll forget this converstion with God and try my hand at what I do best.....but I know he will gently nudge me and say....uh hmm....Remember what we talked about....you know....your control issues?  And I'll say ok Lord I'm off it!!  Well maybe it won't go exactly like that, but I'm working on it!!  As I work on these issues I'm seeing little victories here and there in my life, mostly my family.  So with that being said I want to share a scripture thought.

Philippians 1:6
Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you *(me) will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.

*I added that so when I read it I will know that it means me not just you!
This right here tells me that it's ok that I'm not perfect, it's okay that I still make the same mistakes.  It's a learning curve.  No I don't believe that we can continue to choose sin over and over because we have this magic Jesus that makes everything ok.....that's not what I'm saying or what this verse says.  It simply means that When we have accepted Christ he begins to do things in our lives that mold us into the person he has called us to be.  I'm not going to be like you, you're not going to be like me.  It takes different personalities and gifts, and I believe if I'm/you're truly seeking Christ and in my/your life he will show me/you who I am/you are called to be through him.

I know there is no going back

I have had a rough few months I guess you could say.  My family has had some changes....Max graduated from high school and then in June he moved out.  That's been very difficult for me.  I have struggled with trying to hold onto him and wanting to allow myself to let go.  I can't explain the feeling, but I know that every time I think about it I tear up.  It's still very raw and emotional for me.  I am however coming more to the letting go aspect of it.  It's just too much work to try to hang on, and after I was truly honest with myself I began to think about what exactly it was I was trying so hard to hold on to.  The truth is I wanted it to be how it used to be....when he wasn't so busy and wanted to spend time with us more.   I don't want to hang on to the hustle and bustle of the teenage years....no you can keep all of that thank you very much! Although there are times in his teen years that I really enjoyed.  Just being around the house and hearing the noises of him and his friends having a good time laughing and cutting up.  I felt like I was actually a part of his life...knowing who he was spending time with and what they were doing.  Now to talk to him I have to call or text or facebook him.  Which I am trying really hard not to do so much because it makes it harder to let go.  I remember when I moved out and away from my Mom....I was 10 hours away and didn't have a cell phone or facebook.  We could call on the home phone or send e-mail, but you weren't promised an instant connection.  If you weren't home then you called back.  Besides the fact that I'm a girl and a Mommas girl at that....I pretty much called her everyday sometimes more than once a day. 
I guess what I am trying to say is, my heart is broken a little bit.  I miss the little boy he used to be and I miss just hearing about his day to day stuff.  I think about that country song by Trace Adkins- You're Gonna Miss This. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZIBediEAcUQ

Yes it's true......I just want to go back to the time when this cute little button nose, brown eyed little boy adored me and only wanted to sit beside me at the dinner table.....But I know there is no going back to the way it used to be so I might as well let go and enjoy the ride. 

Things need to change

I came into the shop this morning, turned on the computer and pulled up Facebook.....I scrolled down a little bit and saw a posting from Jen Hatmaker which is a Christian Author, Speaker, Mom, and Wife.  While reading her blog which pricked my heart I decided to share it with my mom, sister and Bestie, Jamie.  Jamie brought to my attention another post on this blog just below that one called Letting Go.......Oh my goodness.  It spoke to me like it came from God.  Truly, how does this Woman know exactly how I feel?  It was about parenting and church.  Post Moderns.....I suppose I would put myself in that category as well.  Post Modern Christian......Serving outside of the church (wanting to anyway), helping others and being completely real....not fake real, real real!  Showing our children how to reach out to the community and doing it out of the goodness of our hearts for the Love of Jesus Christ.  Sharing what we have so much of with people who only want a little.  I honestly have no idea where I would start.  I can make excuses all day long about how tough of a community Anadarko is and how there are alot of people in this community that just want handouts to pacify them until the next binge.  We have people living on our streets who drink Listerine just to make it through the day.....and I have no idea what it really means to reach out because honestly I'm just as guilty as anybody for the crime of turning my cheek.  This really feels like a rant, but I don't want it to be.  I want to be a part of something bigger, better, more and I want that for my children!!  I don't want to continue on the path of serving the saved.  I'm by no means discounting the fact that the saved need to be ministered to as well....we all deal with day to day life....loss of jobs, family members, etc.....But what if we all just took the focus off of ourselves long enough to help someone else?  Maybe then our momentary troubles wouldn't seem so bad.....its a simple concept but one I tend to forget....ALOT.  So instead of just sitting back and ranting I'm starting the change with me.....I'm going to start volunteering some time at the pregnancy crisis center.  I'm not telling you this so you can pat me on the back....save it.....I'm just simply stating that I'm going to act on my feelings and this is the place I need to start.  I need to be the change I want to see!!

Here is a link to Jen Hatmakers website and her blog!  I hope she inspires you as much as she does me.
http://jenhatmaker.com/home.htm

Get 'er done

I got a phone call this morning in regards to my Government class that was supposed to be dropped.  So....they found my fax and removed the F and I'm free and clear now!!  YEAH!!  So I re-enrolled this morning for the Government class to take it this fall.  BOO!!!  Oh well, one more class under my belt.  I'm currently enrolled in Biology and Government for the fall semester, then I will have one class to take in the spring....Physiology.  After those I can enroll in the Occupational Therapy program!!  I will be so glad to start working towards something I want to do instead of just taking classes because I have to.  I'm so over it, but I just keep pushing myself because I want to actually accomplish this.  It makes me feel good to make good grades and feel smart for a change.  Growing up in school I never really felt smart.  I was an excellent speller but my math skills were lacking.  I even took special math classes which now days isn't that big of a deal, but back then the kids made a big deal out of the ones that had to leave class to go to another class for extra help.  Then when we came back to class and had math races....ugh...STUPID!!!  I never won and I sat down feeling even more dumb than I did before.  I think those feelings always come back to haunt me when it comes to college.  When I first decided to go back I went straight to the college algebra class....I'm a no fuss kinda girl.....Get 'er done kinda girl.  If I couldn't do well in college algebra then I would have failed.....but maybe, just maybe....what if I did do well and pass the class?   Did that mean I could conquer all of them?!  DANG SKIPPY!!!  So I passed college algebra with an 89....really come on teacher....I've never done so well before but couldn't you at least give me a 90?!  Ok so I'm asking for too much....but at least I pass and proved to myself that I could Get 'er done!!!!

Just a few things

We finally got a couple of the windows we ordered a while back put in.  The one in the living room has made such a big difference.  I never realized that I was squinting to look out of them.  It reminded me of the windex commercial where the birds fly into the windows because they are so clean....I even stood there for a minute just taking in the view.
Ok so onto other things.....I finally just got off the phone with someone from the college about my class I dropped for the summer that never actually got dropped and now shows up as an F.....she actually did find the fax and is going to take care of it for me!!  Thank the Lord for even the tiniest of favors!  I wasn't really stressing over it surprisingly.....but it was frustrating considering I've put school off for so long for the fear of failure and I just get failed without even doing it myself.  I mean come on if I'm going to fail at least give me the honors of doing it myself!!  That's just like going into the casino on the cruise we took in May, I put a $5 in the machine and next thing I new it said I lost.....What??  Like how do you you lose when you never played?  Well apparently I don't need to do anything I just walk past the machines and it sucks money straight from my cheap little purse!!  Then you have my 18 year old son who walks in and puts up a $20 and wins $900.....SERIOUSLY!!!  Like Pappa Georgio on Vegas Vacation and I'm Clark.....He wins 4 cars and I get hijacked!!  I guess that's why I don't go to the casino on a regular basis....I would rather walk into the mall or something and have something to show for it if I'm gonna give away my money. 
I know this might ruffle some feathers of my fellow church friends, but please tell me the difference in playing at the casino and walking into a Chucky Cheese or something similar?  Isn't that basically a casino for kids?  I mean really....you get the crappy little tickets that you exchange for the crappy little toys that your kid doesn't really want or understand why his/her ticket won't buy the big stuffed animal!  I just really don't see the difference....either way you walk out empty handed most of the time.....every now and then you just might hit it BIG!!!

Giving it my best shot

I've never blogged but I have had alot on my mind lately, so I've decided to give it my best shot.  I want to use this blog to share my life stories with others in hopes that we can all learn something, or at least laugh about it! 
I love life and the phase of life that I'm in right now is great....but I am looking to shake it up a bit by living outside of my ordinary.  I'm just trying to learn to live moment to moment and as my sister told me not to long ago....Here and Now!  So that's what I want to blog about....The here and now!