Restless

Restless, but I don't know about the young part.....okay maybe I'm still considered young.  Who really knows anymore, age is just a number, right? 
I don't know what it is these days, but I have been feeling so restless.  I have this stirring in my soul to do or be something but I'm just not sure of it.  I haven't decided if it's just a phase in my life that I'm going through, or just a need to be needed, or a stirring from God.  And school has been a real struggle for me lately.  I can't seem to focus on any of my homework assignments.  I've been trying to convince myself that I need to strap down and get it together but I just can't stay on task.  I have prayed and prayed about God's direction for my life in regards to school and what he wants me to accomplish through it, or if it's even something that is in his will for my life.  I need a revelation of some sort, a clear direction to know and feel the peace in my heart of being satisfied with right here and right now.  Just to be still and know that He is......He is God, He is in control, He is always faithful, He is!!  But God....I am so fragile right now, I am so worried over little things, I am feeling restless.....even though I am.....He still is!! 
I really thought these feelings of restlessness would come later in life, ya know?  Like when I have all my children grown.....but so far I only have one who has flown the coop and 2 little chicks still under my wing.  I don't want to disappoint them.  I want to give them something or someone to look up to.  I have always wanted to finish college, but I didn't go when I was fresh out of high school because I didn't know what I wanted to "be" you know like they tell you.......would I be who I was supposed to be if I had gone to college when I graduated?  I can't answer that, but what I do know is God knows....he has ordained my days and he knew I would be right where I am today.  Jeremiah 29:11 tells me that he knows the plans he has for me, plans to prosper and not to harm me.  Sometimes my plans bring harm to myself....maybe not physical harm but spiritual harm.  My plans have even allowed me to prosper at times....but not like God's plan does.  I don't just mean financially either, I mean to really prosper.  To have things that money can't buy.....really those aren't things at all and they didn't come through my own doing either.  I usually mess that stuff up, but what God has ordained can't be made into a mess.  He turns my messes into beauty.....He is so good!! 
Really this is just me, talking to myself.  Trying to convince myself of what to do here.....where to turn next?  In all reality I just need to let God be who He is and allow him to work in my life.  So where to turn next.....my knees....it's only place where peace will surpass all understanding in my life.

Scratching the surface

Father, forgive me when I respond in anger to the difficult people in my life. I really want Your love to flow through me to each sandpaper person with whom I come in contact. Give me Your heart of compassion to feel their pain and then teach me how to look for ways to help ease that pain.
In Jesus’ name,
Amen.

This was the prayer in my daily devotional today and after the day I had yesterday and some that have occured in the recent past.....well I really need to be on my knees praying this!

We all have those people that we come in contact with. Some of them are people we deeply care about, but they just rub us wrong at times. We are probably someone else's sandpaper person if we want to be totally honest with ourselves....nah, who wants that?! LOL

I have recently been rubbed raw, I mean completely raw. I have thrown in the towel, cried myself to sleep, felt sick to my stomach....over what? Over something that just spun me for a loop. I am and always have been an all or nothing kind of person. I don't know how else to be. When I give all of myself to something or give my time to someone I completely go there, you know what I mean? And when that person doesn't reciprocate or acknowledge that I am trying to be there for them or encourage them, or even that I am simply trying to reach out to them, it just sends me into a tail spin. I really do not relate well to those kinds of people.....I need feedback. I feel that it is a very important and valuable aspect of any relationship. After the short episode of the Young and the Restless in my life......well ok let me be honest.....it wasn't really that short, but this morning after I woke up and realized that the circumstances are what they are and there isn't anything I can do to change them, I started thinking about some other things surrounding this situation. After contemplating over these things I started to look at the whole picture, actually God paused the DVR of my thoughts for a moment to put his thoughts into play. There is a reason for the wall that has been built and I just haven't found the right tools to tear it down yet. And there is a reason for the defiance and I can be compassionate to that. I don't like change either so when things are changing around us and they affect those we love, well they affect us too. If your sandpaper person is a loved one at the moment just embrace it, use it to mold your life. Hopefully in return you will mold theirs too.

How do we avoid scratching (if you're the sandpaper person) and how do we avoid getting scratched? Be compassionate to what is going on in the other persons life right now. What struggles or stresses is he/she dealing with? What changes are occuring in their life right now? I am a selfish person by nature. Most of the time of put myself into situations where heartache is inevidable. But then when my heart is broken I am just flabbergasted....like...WELL, who do they think they are coming up in my life trying to change the rules to the game that I created?! If I only said what was really on my mind and yes at times I have said more than I should have, but I am still a work in progress and I will eventually master my thoughts from falling off of my tongue. I just hope that in the mean time I don't lash too many people out of hurt or anger. I do believe the bible tells us not to let the sun go down on our anger. So that explains it, we may lash out and say things we don't mean, but what are we going to do about it? Apologize, Apologize, Apologize.....as many times as it takes to bring restoration.

Brain Frenzy!!

Before I get started I must warn you as a reader that this blog goes in several different directions today....just like my brain!! 

Whats on the agenda for today?  I have about a million and one ideas running through my head today....sheesh....slow down brain I can't keep up!!  My family of course is at the top of the list and I've been planning Neiley's birthday party which is coming up really soon.  She chose Owls as her theme, which are super cute (I've got to get invitations done and sent out)!!  I have set it up on FB which I love because I'm terrible at getting things in the mail to people, but I wanted to invite her friends from school too so I guess I better go ahead and create some kind of invite.  I've got the cupcakes delegated to someone so that's something to check off my list, but now I need to get some decor together.....I don't want to spend alot of money though.  The kids could care less about decorations!! 

Next on my list of brain frenzy!!  I've been volunteering at the pregnancy crisis center and I thought that this would bring a sense of fullfillment, but it hasn't.  This is something that's truly been on my mind for a few years now and I really thought that I would enjoy giving my time there, I don't know if I missed the boat on that one or maybe God's calling me to another area of service there but I really felt like he was directing me in this decision.  I'm going to continue to pray about it and listen to what he lays on my heart.  Maybe it's just because I've got several other irons in the fire right now, maybe He's calling me to it just not at this very moment, but he continues to place it in my thoughts as to say, don't forget about this.  Please tell me you have felt this way too?

3rd item on my list- It's been about 3 months since our oldest moved out.  And oh my goodness were the scales of my libran personality totally tipped!!!!  But I have regrouped and Thanks to my dear friends and family members who stuck it out for a long ride on the CRAZY train!! Choo choo!!  I'm finally feeling a sense of peace here.  When mom's with experience in this area told me that it was all going to be ok and it really does get better.....I just couldn't imagine how one of my own leaving the house could possible be good.  I mean I'm not a helicopter Mom by any means and I do believe we need to try out our wings, but I just wasn't ready....and I didn't have to kick him out of the nest, he left willingly! LOL!  But listen.....I see it now.....very clearly!  He needed about 3 months to see what life was truly like, making his own decisions, paying his own bills(and yes he does pay his own bills, hasn't asked us for a cent!!  Success in my books, but who's counting) coming home when he felt like it, eating whatever he wanted....whenever.  So now that it's been 3 months, I'm seeing a change.  Not just in me, but him too.  I'm seeing that it's good for us to be apart.  He appreciates what I do for him more now than he used to, he actually calls us and we don't have to call him (BIG smiles).  For me the changes I see in myself is a sense of satisfation that Jeff and I have raised such a wonderful person.  And I'm less freaked out that he has left the house and he's never gonna call us again and he's never gonna want to hangout with us again.  I realize now that I was just lost in a zone of pity, and yes we are all entitled to a little pity party now and then.  But life goes on and we go on with it.

4th thing on the mind- School!!!  UGH!! let's don't even go there......moving on!!

Numero cinco- Church......I don't want to go there today either!

#6- This saturday is Disney on Ice......Toy Story 3 and I have tickets!!! YAY!  Can't wait!  Neiley has no idea and she is gonna be pumped!  Logan will go along for the ride.....Max actually wanted to go, so for a bonus I asked his GF to come along!!  Looks to be a pretty sweet day!!

So.....Right now I'm just trying to figure out how to be the very best me that I can be.  I'm BACK!!  I'm enjoying this precious life that God has blessed me with and smiling through it and most of all enjoying my family!! 

Goodbye Rut....It's been real.....but it hasn't been fun!! 

I have had this song in my head today so I wanted to share with you.

Sheryl Crow- All I wanna do

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I6zIEfSxqkg

Control!

Does your brain ever feel like your email account looks?  You know what I'm talking about.....so much junk, spam, get a discount for this, read this, this is important!!!!  OMG......DELETE!!  Sometimes I just want to delete things as I go along.  Ok....I don't like this....Delete!  I really don't want to talk to you.....Spam!  Oh my gosh.....that's disgusting.....Delete!   I wish it worked that way somedays!  There are those days when I have a hard time trying to distinguish what's important from what isn't.  Or even getting distracted in the middle of what's important for something I really want to do, but I know it can wait, but I really don't want to do what I'm doing right now so I get side tracked.  Maybe I'm a little ADD....I don't know, but I know I'm not alone.  Recently I've been praying that God will give me Grace for the Moment.  That I will stop before reacting to my desires or wants for the moment and take a step back to look at the bigger picture.  Maybe not always my desires or wants but even my attitude and how I'm feeling about a particular situation.  No I may not always like the situations that I'm in by choice or not, but I can most definitely choose how I react to those situations.  I'm gonna go off track here a little bit to give you an idea of what I'm talking about so bare with me.  I love a good surprise....you know those that you never knew about and had no idea anyone was planning something this special for you.....thinking about how much you were gonna just love it!  I love those!  I also love the little surprises like a special gift or flowers etc...  But oh my goodness, when something so small happens, I'm talking about when you have something planned or this idea in your head of how something is going to be and it really doesn't work out that way (I'm a planner.....Okay really that's just my nice word for Control Freak).  Or maybe something extra or different got thrown into the loop.  Those surprises tend to throw me completely off balance.  Sometimes so much so that I need to take a moment to just stop, renavigate my thoughts before I blow!  I recentely had this happen to me.  I was caught off guard and I got a little short and snappy with someone involved and I realized that I was about to chew some fat!  I had to be short with this person so I could walk away and pray!  I prayed for grace to deal with the situation and prayed for fogiveness that I felt the way I felt and for patience because it wasn't how I planned it to be.  Then when I walked away from laying it all down I felt a sense of relief.  Relief because I knew that God was taking care of it, and relief that I actually was able to control my reaction to the situation at hand.  What control......oh I love that word....control!  But I only love it when I'm in it!  So guess what God has told me to do?  I know for some of you reading this will sound so simple and elementary but just humor me ok!  He said....Kami, you cannot control your circumstances or the people in them.....but you can control you and your reaction to the circumstances and the people in them!!  What....What Lord?  You mean I can have a little bit of control.....I'll take it!!  After thinking about all of this, I really don't want to control anyone or anything....that's just too much for anybody to deal with.  Being the control freak that I am, I'm sure I'll forget this converstion with God and try my hand at what I do best.....but I know he will gently nudge me and say....uh hmm....Remember what we talked about....you know....your control issues?  And I'll say ok Lord I'm off it!!  Well maybe it won't go exactly like that, but I'm working on it!!  As I work on these issues I'm seeing little victories here and there in my life, mostly my family.  So with that being said I want to share a scripture thought.

Philippians 1:6
Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you *(me) will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.

*I added that so when I read it I will know that it means me not just you!
This right here tells me that it's ok that I'm not perfect, it's okay that I still make the same mistakes.  It's a learning curve.  No I don't believe that we can continue to choose sin over and over because we have this magic Jesus that makes everything ok.....that's not what I'm saying or what this verse says.  It simply means that When we have accepted Christ he begins to do things in our lives that mold us into the person he has called us to be.  I'm not going to be like you, you're not going to be like me.  It takes different personalities and gifts, and I believe if I'm/you're truly seeking Christ and in my/your life he will show me/you who I am/you are called to be through him.

I know there is no going back

I have had a rough few months I guess you could say.  My family has had some changes....Max graduated from high school and then in June he moved out.  That's been very difficult for me.  I have struggled with trying to hold onto him and wanting to allow myself to let go.  I can't explain the feeling, but I know that every time I think about it I tear up.  It's still very raw and emotional for me.  I am however coming more to the letting go aspect of it.  It's just too much work to try to hang on, and after I was truly honest with myself I began to think about what exactly it was I was trying so hard to hold on to.  The truth is I wanted it to be how it used to be....when he wasn't so busy and wanted to spend time with us more.   I don't want to hang on to the hustle and bustle of the teenage years....no you can keep all of that thank you very much! Although there are times in his teen years that I really enjoyed.  Just being around the house and hearing the noises of him and his friends having a good time laughing and cutting up.  I felt like I was actually a part of his life...knowing who he was spending time with and what they were doing.  Now to talk to him I have to call or text or facebook him.  Which I am trying really hard not to do so much because it makes it harder to let go.  I remember when I moved out and away from my Mom....I was 10 hours away and didn't have a cell phone or facebook.  We could call on the home phone or send e-mail, but you weren't promised an instant connection.  If you weren't home then you called back.  Besides the fact that I'm a girl and a Mommas girl at that....I pretty much called her everyday sometimes more than once a day. 
I guess what I am trying to say is, my heart is broken a little bit.  I miss the little boy he used to be and I miss just hearing about his day to day stuff.  I think about that country song by Trace Adkins- You're Gonna Miss This. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZIBediEAcUQ

Yes it's true......I just want to go back to the time when this cute little button nose, brown eyed little boy adored me and only wanted to sit beside me at the dinner table.....But I know there is no going back to the way it used to be so I might as well let go and enjoy the ride. 

Things need to change

I came into the shop this morning, turned on the computer and pulled up Facebook.....I scrolled down a little bit and saw a posting from Jen Hatmaker which is a Christian Author, Speaker, Mom, and Wife.  While reading her blog which pricked my heart I decided to share it with my mom, sister and Bestie, Jamie.  Jamie brought to my attention another post on this blog just below that one called Letting Go.......Oh my goodness.  It spoke to me like it came from God.  Truly, how does this Woman know exactly how I feel?  It was about parenting and church.  Post Moderns.....I suppose I would put myself in that category as well.  Post Modern Christian......Serving outside of the church (wanting to anyway), helping others and being completely real....not fake real, real real!  Showing our children how to reach out to the community and doing it out of the goodness of our hearts for the Love of Jesus Christ.  Sharing what we have so much of with people who only want a little.  I honestly have no idea where I would start.  I can make excuses all day long about how tough of a community Anadarko is and how there are alot of people in this community that just want handouts to pacify them until the next binge.  We have people living on our streets who drink Listerine just to make it through the day.....and I have no idea what it really means to reach out because honestly I'm just as guilty as anybody for the crime of turning my cheek.  This really feels like a rant, but I don't want it to be.  I want to be a part of something bigger, better, more and I want that for my children!!  I don't want to continue on the path of serving the saved.  I'm by no means discounting the fact that the saved need to be ministered to as well....we all deal with day to day life....loss of jobs, family members, etc.....But what if we all just took the focus off of ourselves long enough to help someone else?  Maybe then our momentary troubles wouldn't seem so bad.....its a simple concept but one I tend to forget....ALOT.  So instead of just sitting back and ranting I'm starting the change with me.....I'm going to start volunteering some time at the pregnancy crisis center.  I'm not telling you this so you can pat me on the back....save it.....I'm just simply stating that I'm going to act on my feelings and this is the place I need to start.  I need to be the change I want to see!!

Here is a link to Jen Hatmakers website and her blog!  I hope she inspires you as much as she does me.
http://jenhatmaker.com/home.htm

Get 'er done

I got a phone call this morning in regards to my Government class that was supposed to be dropped.  So....they found my fax and removed the F and I'm free and clear now!!  YEAH!!  So I re-enrolled this morning for the Government class to take it this fall.  BOO!!!  Oh well, one more class under my belt.  I'm currently enrolled in Biology and Government for the fall semester, then I will have one class to take in the spring....Physiology.  After those I can enroll in the Occupational Therapy program!!  I will be so glad to start working towards something I want to do instead of just taking classes because I have to.  I'm so over it, but I just keep pushing myself because I want to actually accomplish this.  It makes me feel good to make good grades and feel smart for a change.  Growing up in school I never really felt smart.  I was an excellent speller but my math skills were lacking.  I even took special math classes which now days isn't that big of a deal, but back then the kids made a big deal out of the ones that had to leave class to go to another class for extra help.  Then when we came back to class and had math races....ugh...STUPID!!!  I never won and I sat down feeling even more dumb than I did before.  I think those feelings always come back to haunt me when it comes to college.  When I first decided to go back I went straight to the college algebra class....I'm a no fuss kinda girl.....Get 'er done kinda girl.  If I couldn't do well in college algebra then I would have failed.....but maybe, just maybe....what if I did do well and pass the class?   Did that mean I could conquer all of them?!  DANG SKIPPY!!!  So I passed college algebra with an 89....really come on teacher....I've never done so well before but couldn't you at least give me a 90?!  Ok so I'm asking for too much....but at least I pass and proved to myself that I could Get 'er done!!!!

Just a few things

We finally got a couple of the windows we ordered a while back put in.  The one in the living room has made such a big difference.  I never realized that I was squinting to look out of them.  It reminded me of the windex commercial where the birds fly into the windows because they are so clean....I even stood there for a minute just taking in the view.
Ok so onto other things.....I finally just got off the phone with someone from the college about my class I dropped for the summer that never actually got dropped and now shows up as an F.....she actually did find the fax and is going to take care of it for me!!  Thank the Lord for even the tiniest of favors!  I wasn't really stressing over it surprisingly.....but it was frustrating considering I've put school off for so long for the fear of failure and I just get failed without even doing it myself.  I mean come on if I'm going to fail at least give me the honors of doing it myself!!  That's just like going into the casino on the cruise we took in May, I put a $5 in the machine and next thing I new it said I lost.....What??  Like how do you you lose when you never played?  Well apparently I don't need to do anything I just walk past the machines and it sucks money straight from my cheap little purse!!  Then you have my 18 year old son who walks in and puts up a $20 and wins $900.....SERIOUSLY!!!  Like Pappa Georgio on Vegas Vacation and I'm Clark.....He wins 4 cars and I get hijacked!!  I guess that's why I don't go to the casino on a regular basis....I would rather walk into the mall or something and have something to show for it if I'm gonna give away my money. 
I know this might ruffle some feathers of my fellow church friends, but please tell me the difference in playing at the casino and walking into a Chucky Cheese or something similar?  Isn't that basically a casino for kids?  I mean really....you get the crappy little tickets that you exchange for the crappy little toys that your kid doesn't really want or understand why his/her ticket won't buy the big stuffed animal!  I just really don't see the difference....either way you walk out empty handed most of the time.....every now and then you just might hit it BIG!!!

Giving it my best shot

I've never blogged but I have had alot on my mind lately, so I've decided to give it my best shot.  I want to use this blog to share my life stories with others in hopes that we can all learn something, or at least laugh about it! 
I love life and the phase of life that I'm in right now is great....but I am looking to shake it up a bit by living outside of my ordinary.  I'm just trying to learn to live moment to moment and as my sister told me not to long ago....Here and Now!  So that's what I want to blog about....The here and now!